A Great Disorder
December 11, 2012 § 19 Comments
A. A violent order is a disorder; and
B. A great disorder is an order. These
Two things are one. (Pages of illustrations.)
Wallace Stevens, “Connoisseur of Chaos “
My expectations explode against hard reality.
I end up not where I am supposed to be.
Nothing unfolds according to plan.
Just once, could things happen as they are supposed to happen? Just once, could what I seek come my way as I imagined?
In Zen we say that all things exist in disorder but against a background of perfect harmony. I have tried in so many ways to see and feel that harmony. I have even pretended to grasp it. But I don’t. I feel no order or harmony- just swirling and cruel chaos.
Where is this harmony? How can it be mine?
All this grief and questioning and doubt, I now understand, arise from one simple mistake. I keep supposing that I can control what will come. I imagine that when I do X today, then Y will happen tomorrow. I seek to impose order upon the disorder. And when I fail, as I must, I rage against it all.
The harmony, I know, is right there. Waiting for me. The key to that ecstatic existence is right here. Simple acceptance. Undiluted, sure, steady acceptance of all that is and all that I am.
I know these things. And I know that I am moving closer and closer to that way of being. Substituting that simple truth for that simple mistake. To be purged of rage, filled with gratitude and acceptance.
Closer and closer.