September 13, 2012 § 40 Comments
I sometimes feel like a fraud in this work. Peace, strength, presence. Who am I to speak of such things?
These past few days have been like that.
I’m going through a period of what I call feeing “unsteady.” Like walking across an icy sidewalk in dress shoes. Having to consciously hold on to my balance.
The thing about feeling unsteady is not so much the risk of falling. Nor is the pain really in the fall itself. The great cost of the feeling is that so long as I am feeling unsteady, I cannot be at peace.
I say to myself- you’re okay, just breath. And I pretend that the calm this induces is peace.
There are long stretches where I’m not consciously anxious or bereft, where I’m holding myself together. And I think that in this effort I have found peace.
But all that time where I am watching where I step, where I project calm and composure, where from the outside all looks well, I am not well, really. All that conscious effort blocks any hope of real peace.
And so as these unsteady days roll on, I sometimes wonder what I am doing writing about peace and strength. Someone who lives the lessons with such inconsistency.
I have no pat answer to this. But I do believe that anyone who seeks self-awareness and to live an authentic life will struggle. And I know that among my great teachers have been those who struggle, who battle their demons with awareness and honesty.
So I’ll just have to feel unsteady until it passes. Then I’ll regain peace, the true peace that is natural and effortless, not falsely manufactured, just lived.
Struggle, peace, struggle, peace My life from here forward, I imagine. But a real life, not a fraudulent one.